Suggestions for revising the first draft of an essay.
Page 2 of 2
Sample Revision
The two paragraphs below compare the two main characters in the novel The Wolves of Willoughby Chase by Joan Aiken.
| The main idea of the first paragraph is that Bonnie comes from a wealthy family and is spirited, especially in defense of others. Note that the actual topic sentence comes in the middle of the paragraph ("Although the family had a lot of money, Bonnie was not spoiled."). Sentences that don't relate to this main idea have been deleted. An incident from the book was added at the end to give support to the idea that Bonnie is not afraid to act when she sees one person treat another person badly. | Bonnie Green had been raised in a wealthy aristocratic family in the north of England. She lived with her parents Sir Willoughby and Lady Green on a large country estate. |
| The second paragraph focuses on Sylvia, who lives with her poor aunt and is meek. All of the sentences in this paragraph support the topic sentence "Sylvia was very different from Bonnie." Specific examples from the book prove that Sylvia was poor (she didn't have enough food or heat) and timid (she was afraid of the man and the wolves). | Sylvia was very different from Bonnie. Sylvia's parents died when she was very young. She lived in London with her Aunt Jane. Aunt Jane was very poor and they often didn't have enough to eat. It was also very cold in their apartment because they couldn't afford to heat it. Sylvia was a very timid and quiet |
Finally, note that the first paragraph flows naturally into the second. When you are comparing two characters, it is logical to describe the first character and then the other without any intervening paragraphs on a different topic. The third paragraph might be about why Sylvia goes to live with Bonnie, or it might be about what happens after Sylvia goes to live with Bonnie.
