How to Deal With a Difficult Parent as a Teacher

Having your competence questioned by a parent or guardian can be upsetting for even the most seasoned teachers. Chances are, you’ve experienced this, and so has the teacher next door to you ... and the one across the hall. So, the first thing to keep in mind? You are not alone.

Let’s talk about three concrete steps towards conquering the anxiety that accompanies these situations and how to steer them in a productive direction.

De-escalate you.

Just as we know in working with students, it is difficult to have a productive conversation until both parties are calm. In order to to de-escalate your own emotions, take a few minutes to identify not why this parent is questioning your competence, but why it bothers you so much. Once you identify what is upsetting you, it is a lot easier to stop ruminating and take control.

For many teachers, the reason these situations bother us fall into a few common categories:

Fear of how this might impact my job security.

In other words, fear that this one parent’s complaint might affect how my colleagues and administration see my competence.

Fear that this might confirm my own self-doubt.

Or that I was already suspicious (or convinced) that I was incompetent, and this one parent’s accusation might now confirm it.

Frustration that my qualifications and expertise are not respected.

Or, “Why does this parent think they know how to do my job?”

Whatever the reason this parent’s challenge bothers you, I recommend this little exercise.

Take a few minutes to write down all the swirling thoughts and fears in your head in a stream-of-consciousness style.

After a few minutes, stop and look for a pattern. Most likely you’ll notice a dominating fear or belief.

Once you’ve identified the dominant, core fear, write it down at the top of a brand new page.

Now comes the critical step: Make a list of all the reasons why you know this fear is likely not true. Bring in all your accomplishments, moments of pride, positive feedback, and evidence of your own strength, resourcefulness, and resilience. This helps correct any distorted thoughts you might be having. It helps keep the “worst-case scenario” in perspective and remind you of your own ability to overcome it if it did happen. This too shall pass.

Once you’ve done this work to break down the negative thoughts that were sending you into an anxiety spiral, you’ll be in much better shape to approach step two from a calm, rational mind.

Consider with compassion.

While it might feel that this situation is all about you and your competence, it’s important to remember that many times people assign blame when they are scared or upset, themselves. People might do it when they feel like they’re losing control of a situation or are frustrated with outcomes -- all reasons that might have absolutely nothing to do with you.

And that’s actually good news--because chances are, you also want the best for their child.

So once you’re armed with the knowledge that your worst fears are unlikely (and you could handle them if they did come true), some compassion for the parent’s own emotional experience, and the reminder that you all want the same thing, let’s move on to step 3: tackling this as a team.

Approach as a Team.

Time to make a proactive game plan.

Here are a few tips that might help:

Have a pre-defined end-time And make sure you stick to it!

This can help keep the conference focused.

Allow the parent to be heard.

While you’ve done some careful self-work before this conference, the parent or guardian may still be feeling frustrated. So to help de-escalate, begin the conference by:

• Stating the purpose of the conference (to discuss how we can all help [student] better grow and succeed).
• Asking the parent or guardian to explain their concerns.
• Paraphrasing these concerns to ensure your own understanding. Chances are, feeling unheard is a large reason this parent is upset. Taking a moment to make sure their concerns are on the table can go a long way in de-escalating the rest of the conference.

Present data and documentation from a solution-oriented mindset.

Bring documentation, a list or spreadsheet, of interventions that have already been put into place to help problem-solve what to try next. For data and documentation, ideas for what you can bring:

Tier 1 Supports (anything that is provided to the whole class):

• Whole-class help
• Whole-class communication home (newsletters, mass emails, etc.)

Tier 2 Supports (small group supports):

• Dates and times of extra help offered--whether during or outside of class.
• Differentiated resources provided during class
• Small-group conferences

Tier 3 Supports (support in groups of 1-3 students)

• Logs of individual contacts home
• Individual conferences with student
• Bringing in outside help from around the school (tutors, counselors, teachers’ aides, etc.)

Continually bring the conversation back to data and solutions.

If the conversation seems to fall back to finger-pointing, it may be that the parent still feels that some concerns have not been validated or addressed.

When this happens, repeat the process of listening and paraphrasing. Then bring the conversation back to brainstorming solutions.

Some simple questions to recenter the conversation are:

“What are some solutions we might try in the future to help with this?”

Or, turning to the student, “What are some things that might help you be successful in the future?”

It can help to leave the conference with a written action plan, signed by student, guardian, and teacher, so all leave the conference with a new direction.

As always, if the conference becomes verbally abusive, request to end the conference and reschedule for a time when the principal, counselor, and/or union representative can be present.

In the end, remember, these situations happen even to the best of teachers.

While they can be frustrating, with a little self-work, compassion, and teamwork, you can rise above and move past it. Here are some additional resources for navigating parent relationships, conferences, and difficult work relationships: How to Cope When a Student’s Parent Just Doesn’t Like You, Engaging Families and Rocking Conferences - A Mini-Course, and How Not to Care What Other People Think.

How do you handle difficult parents? Share with us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Jeanne Wolz taught middle school Writing and AVID in Illinois for four years in addition to serving as the English Department Chair. She holds a bachelor’s in English and Secondary Education and a master’s in Curriculum and Instruction. Currently, she teaches ESL, develops curriculum, and coaches new teachers. You can find more of her resources at www.teacheroffduty.com and follow her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.